"There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know."
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
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