"We'll put free sheets on all the beds, there'll be no cover charge"
"Whatever it is, I'm against it!"
"Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech."
"Of course you know this means war!"
"What do you say the three of us get married: You girls have everything, you're short and tall, and slim and stout, and blonde and brunette. And that's just the kind of girl I crave!"
"[While shooting elephants in Africa] I found the tusks very difficult to remove. Of course, in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. But that's completely irrelephant to what I'm talking about."
"Why, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you."
"No, my friends. No, money will never make you happy, and happy will never make you money. That might be a wisecrack, but I doubt it."
"Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you."
"Would you mind getting off of that fly paper so the flies can have a chance?"
"When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay!"
"Hello, Cocoanut Arms. Yes, we have a dining room. If it's fish, we have it. If it's meat, we have it. If it's fowl, we've had it too long."
"An apprentice mortician? What, do you only bury live people?"
"Here I am talking to parties. I came here for a party. What happens? Nothing. Not even ice cream. The gods look down and laugh. This would be a better world for children if the parents had to eat the spinach."
"We'll set up a 75¢ meal that will knock their eyes out. After we knock their eyes out, we can charge them anything we want."
"I've always had an idea that my retirement would be the greatest contribution to science the world has ever known."
"I knew a girl from Minneapolis-St. Paul. She was known as "The Tail of Two Cities"
"A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it."
"Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?"
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